My Approach to Couples Therapy: Nervous System Regulation and Connection

When couples step into my therapy room, there's often a quiet but unmistakable longing between them: the need to feel safe, seen, and deeply connected. Most of the time, they’re exhausted - not because they don’t love each other, but because they’re trying to hold their relationship together while their nervous systems are in overdrive.

My approach to couples therapy is grounded in the latest neurobiological and relational research. In practice, this means helping couples understand why they keep repeating the same painful patterns - and how to break free from them.

The Window of Tolerance: Where Real Connection Can Happen

I draw heavily on the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, particularly his concept of the Window of Tolerance. This refers to the optimal zone where our brains and bodies feel calm and safe enough to stay present and connected.

In therapy, I help each partner recognise when they’re within their window - able to listen, reflect, and engage thoughtfully - and when they’ve flipped into fight, flight, or freeze mode. In these dysregulated states, even small disagreements can feel overwhelming.

When couples learn to co-regulate - to soothe themselves and each other - something profound shifts. As Siegel notes, this ability allows people to stay emotionally present and respond with empathy instead of reactivity (Siegel, 2010). It becomes possible to move from surviving conflict to growing through it.

How Early Attachment Patterns Affect Adult Relationships

One of the most powerful things I see in my work is this: people aren’t struggling in their relationships because they don’t love each other. They’re struggling because of unmet attachment needs from earlier in life, often buried so deep they don’t realise they’re still carrying them.

I bring in the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, who explains that “attachment is the drive for closeness.” When our needs for safety and attunement go unmet in childhood, we develop protective behaviours - like shutting down, getting defensive, or trying to control - that once served us, but now sabotage intimacy (Maté, 2019).

Couples therapy, in this context, becomes a place to gently explore those patterns - not to assign blame, but to create understanding. From there, we can build new ways of relating rooted in compassion and connection

Building Emotional Safety Through EFT

I’m trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a well-researched model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. EFT helps couples re-establish secure emotional bonds by making space for vulnerability and emotional responsiveness.

This means creating a dynamic where each partner feels:

• Accessible – emotionally present and available

• Responsive – attuned and open to each other’s needs

• Engaged – actively invested in the relationship

When couples learn to turn toward each other, especially during difficult moments, love becomes the safe haven Johnson describes (Johnson, 2008). Even longstanding wounds can begin to heal.

Truth, Accountability, and Repair

I also draw on the work of Terry Real, whose approach is both direct and deeply compassionate. I don’t believe in sugar-coating or avoiding hard truths. Real connection requires accountability - and that goes for both partners.

As Real puts it, “You cannot have a healthy relationship without both people showing up in their fullest, most responsible selves” (Real, 2022). In our sessions, I help couples step out of power struggles and into authentic communication. That includes learning not just how to speak honestly, but how to listen, repair, and move forward with intention

A Space to Co-Regulate, Connect, and Heal

At the core of my work is a simple but powerful belief: we are all wired for connection.

In couples therapy, I create a space where both partners can:

• Slow down

• Understand their nervous system responses

• Recognise and shift old patterns

• Learn how to co-regulate and reconnect

Healing doesn’t mean becoming a perfect couple - those don’t exist (and frankly, I wouldn’t trust them if they did). Healing happens when two people are willing to show up with presence, honesty, and a desire to do things differently.

If that’s what you’re looking for, I’d be honoured to support you

Frequently Asked Questions: Couples Therapy

1. What issues can couples therapy help with?

Couples therapy can support you through communication breakdowns, trust issues, emotional disconnection, life transitions, parenting conflicts, intimacy challenges, and more. It’s not just for couples in crisis—it can also strengthen healthy relationships.

2. Do we both need to attend every session?

In most cases, yes. Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are engaged in the process. Occasionally, individual sessions may be recommended as part of the work.

3. How many sessions will we need?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Some couples find clarity in just a few sessions, while others benefit from longer-term support. We’ll work at a pace that suits your needs.

4. Is couples therapy only for married couples?

Not at all. I work with couples of all relationship types—married, dating, co-parenting, LGBTQ+, long-term partnerships, and everything in between.

5. What if my partner is hesitant about therapy?

That’s very common. Therapy can feel vulnerable, especially if you’ve been stuck in conflict for a while. I create a non-judgemental space where both partners feel heard and supported. Sometimes just one person starting the process can open the door.

References:

1. Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child. Delacorte Press. https://www.drdansiegel.com

2. Maté, G. (2019). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books. https://drgabormate.com

3. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark. https://iceeft.com

4. Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Cornerstone. https://terryreal.com

If you're feeling stuck in repetitive conflicts, disconnected from your partner, or simply longing for a deeper emotional bond, couples therapy could be the support you need. As a HCPC-registered Counselling Psychologist,, I bring a trauma-informed, relational approach to help you rebuild safety, trust, and connection in your relationship.

Get in touch to explore whether couples therapy could be the next step for you and your partner. You don’t have to navigate this alone.